It used to be ironic to me when people would compliment me on my confidence or for being fearless. I've never looked at myself in that light. Since my teenage years I have battled with my self-esteem. I have always had a bigger body type. I've been made fun of for being a bigger girl and it doesn't help when images in the media do not showcase women that look like you. Growing up I didn't have a lot of fashionable options and I struggled to learn how to express myself. I have been on a weight loss journey since I was 16 years old. I have tried almost every diet you can think of (Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers, Quick Weight Loss, Atkins, and Keto). I was a relatively active kid by playing in sports such as volleyball, basketball, cheerleading and dance but that fall of during my high school years. In college I began to develop the habit of physical fitness but it was always with the intention of losing weight so I can "look better". I have been body-shamed in person and on social media. I even had a boyfriend that only called me sexy when I was working out every day and losing weight.
I say all that to say that confidence definitely did not come easy. I had to determine in my mind that I am not defined by my body, a number on the scale or the size of my jeans. I'm not going to lie, some days I go back into the mentality of not feeling good enough. On those days I allow myself a moment and I try to do something that makes me feel great. Confidence is a muscle that you have to constantly engage in order for it to grow. At this point in my life I feel worthy to wear whatever I want to wear. I still have fitness goals but it is no longer focused on being skinny but rather to be fit, healthy, and strong. I tend to be a bit of a rebel at times and one way that I rebel against society's standards of beauty is to love myself unapologetically as I am right now in the present and wearing whatever the hell I want. I have anxiety and fear but I choose to push past it every day. I guess that does make me fearless and I'm glad I've grown into that kind of woman.