Confident and Fearless
It used to be ironic to me when people would compliment me on my confidence or for being fearless. I've never looked at myself in that light. Since my teenage years I have battled with my self-esteem. I have always had a bigger body type. I've been made fun of for being a bigger girl and it doesn't help when images in the media do not showcase women that look like you. Growing up I didn't have a lot of fashionable options and I struggled to learn how to express myself. I have been on a weight loss journey since I was 16 years old. I have tried almost every diet you can think of (Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers, Quick Weight Loss, Atkins, and Keto). I was a relatively active kid by playing in sports such as volleyball, basketball, cheerleading and dance but that fall of during my high school years. In college I began to develop the habit of physical fitness but it was always with the intention of losing weight so I can "look better". I have been body-shamed in person and on social media. I even had a boyfriend that only called me sexy when I was working out every day and losing weight.
I say all that to say that confidence definitely did not come easy. I had to determine in my mind that I am not defined by my body, a number on the scale or the size of my jeans. I'm not going to lie, some days I go back into the mentality of not feeling good enough. On those days I allow myself a moment and I try to do something that makes me feel great. Confidence is a muscle that you have to constantly engage in order for it to grow. At this point in my life I feel worthy to wear whatever I want to wear. I still have fitness goals but it is no longer focused on being skinny but rather to be fit, healthy, and strong. I tend to be a bit of a rebel at times and one way that I rebel against society's standards of beauty is to love myself unapologetically as I am right now in the present and wearing whatever the hell I want. I have anxiety and fear but I choose to push past it every day. I guess that does make me fearless and I'm glad I've grown into that kind of woman.